How many times have you cringed at the word, suicide? How many times have you thought of doing it yourself? How many regrets and memories do you hold?
Ending your own life, once and for all. Getting done with the pain that comes with living. Have you joined the oblivion that is death?
I have heard many of my friends say this so casually.
Kill me. I swear I’ll take my own life.
Do we really take life so easily? Why do we take this gift of life for granted? How hard is it to understand how fortunate we are to be here at this moment?
Regrets and Memories:
We all wish we could go back in time and change a few things, don’t we?
Recently I had lost someone close to me. She had taken away her own life. She was just 18. I had met her the previous day after a long time. We had stayed together for the weekend.
She had confessed to me that she was tired of her life. She said she would run away from home. Or kill herself. I had thought she was not serious about it. We all get frustrated with life. I told her to calm down. She did not mention this for the rest of my stay.
When I had received the news of her death, I couldn’t believe it. It was not possible. I had only met her 24 hours ago.
After this incident, the reality of life became too hard to accept. It came crashing down upon me.
It has been six months. Sometimes I am a mess of moments and memories. Sometimes I still can’t believe it. But the truth remains. She is here no more.
I can’t begin to explain what her family had been through, how we were regretting tiny fights and mistakes. The pain that comes with the loss of a near and dear one tears one apart.
It had been torturous, trying to piece myself together, back again. One thing is for sure, and I’ll never be whole again. I’ll always be scarred.
I still have nightmares. I still think of her, day in and day out. Sometimes I find myself in tears. Sometimes I find myself lost in thoughts about her.
It has been six months. Life has not stopped for anyone. It has continued at its own pace. She ended up becoming a chapter in the story of my life. A chapter I will always cherish, a chapter I will always remember with a tinge of pain in my heart.
When I look at a pretty sunset, I realize that she’ll never see one again. Ironically, on her 18th birthday, I had put together a card at the last moment. In it, I had written, I am making this card so that years later you won’t say I did nothing for your 18th.
When people ask me about her, I tell them this: She had the prettiest smile, the biggest heart. She gave the warmest hugs. Her laugh was lively. With her, I felt this sense of belonging. She had been there for me at all times. Our childhood games make me smile. Our fights leave a bitter taste in my mouth. But she will always be the first person with whom I experienced my first sleepover, the first night of oblivion, first everything.
I miss her every day. I wish I could hug her again. Tell her how much I love her, how I would be with her always. I feel it in my heart, your love. Nothing can ever change that. Nothing.
Life will not be happy and joyous every day. It will be painful, hurtful. But remember, it always gets better. No joy, no pain can last forever. At some point, it ends.
Life has its own ups and downs. But don’t give up on it just yet. It will always surprise you. Hold onto this crazy ride; hold on. You’ll find out that the regrets and memories make you the person you are. Regrets and memories will be the only thing you hold onto till the end.
