12 Traits of a Narcissist: Exposing the Dark Side

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a hot topic among mental health professionals and 12-step programs. Mental health professionals and individuals who are in relationships with narcissists must be able to identify and address behavior associated with NPD.

Exploring the 12 Traits of a Narcissist

Below are the 12 traits commonly associated with narcissism, including a grandiose sense of self-importance and fragile self-esteem. These traits are only the tip of the iceberg, but understanding NPD in its entirety is the first step towards dealing with potential negative impacts on relationships and personal lives.

Trait #1: Self-Importance

Self-importance is a massive part of narcissistic personality disorder NPD¹. Individuals suffering from this disorder have an exaggerated sense of their abilities, achievements, or importance and expect others to see them as superior or special no matter what they say or do.

A narcissist will often control conversations by shifting focus towards themselves. You’ll quickly notice that most things they talk about relate back to them, they’ll even go as far as stretching the truth in order to make themselves seem more superior than they actually are.

The grandiosity behind these people isn’t just for show, it’s also used as a weapon which makes it all the more dangerous. They will elevate themselves by putting others down around them just so they can feel better about their selves, which usually only lasts until they encounter someone who really is better than them at whatever it is they’re bragging about.

This aspect of narcissism right here is what makes dealing with these people difficult, if not nigh impossible, in ronships as, as they always put their self-esteem above the needs of others.

Trait #2: Grandiose Sense of Self

This trait is usually the first thing that comes to mind when you hear “narcissistic person.” It’s characterized by an inflated view of one’s capabilities and a belief that one is unique and deserving of special treatment.

People who have NPD don’t have satisfaction within themselves, which is why they surround themselves with people who do. These people then become nothing but energy sources to them, only serving to repeat what they already believe about themselves. It’s rare to ever find a genuine relationship with these narcissistic individuals, as they only care about what you can do for them.

Self-Confidence Versus Narcissism in Relationships

In my role, I’ve observed countless relationships and noted the effects of self-importance, especially when one party exhibits narcissistic traits. This self-importance often acts as a double-edged sword, particularly in professional scenarios. 

On one hand, a certain level of self-confidence is vital for leadership and conviction in one’s decisions.

However, when it crosses into narcissism, it can significantly derail teamwork and collaboration, leading to a toxic environment. In personal relationships, the impact is even more pronounced. 

Narcissism can create an imbalance, where one partner’s needs and opinions dominate, leaving little room for mutual respect and understanding.

From a matchmaking perspective, emotional intelligence and the ability to empathize with others are key traits we look for in creating long-lasting connections. It’s essential to foster relationships where both parties value and listen to each other, ensuring a healthy, supportive dynamic.

Katrina Elbahey, CEO & Founder, Practical Psychologist, Matchmaking Services

Trait #3 – Lack of Empathy

The empathy side of these narcissistic relationships that are also very shallow. It’s important to understand that when dealing with a person like this, all empathy exists for the sake of their image, regardless if it’s genuine or not. The risks taken and decisions made around someone like this are also, at your discretion, blinds them from seeing reason in any situation. They believe everything is deserved just because they want it, and that way of thinking will never end well for either side involved.

Empathy, the ability to understand and respond to the feelings of others, is something narcissists lack². This can make them seem cold or indifferent when others are going through rough times. They won’t even acknowledge how their own actions affect those around them, which causes tension and hurt feelings in relationships.

With no empathy, a narcissist will happily exploit or manipulate another person to achieve their goals without thinking about their emotional well-being; this leaves those close to the narcissist feeling used and unseen. Narcissists’ partners often feel like they’re just an accessory to show off rather than a loved one with feelings that need to be cared for.

The fact that they don’t know how anyone feels makes it impossible for healthy relationships to grow.

Trait #4: Arrogant and Haughty Behaviors

Narcissists come off as arrogant and haughty most of the time³. They seem disdainful and patronizing which we will be discussing today as well as how it affects their social interactions and perception.

The person’s inflated self-perception causes these narcissistic behaviors. They’ll do whatever they can to assert dominance, even if that means belittling everyone around them. In places where you need mutual respect, like work environments, their arrogance will drive peers away since negative feedback doesn’t affect them, but any criticism toward you won’t go unnoticed by them. Words aren’t the only things that reflect poorly on them, body language gives off the same feeling as well which shows disinterest or respect for what others have contributed in any given situations.

Professional Ego Hinders Teamwork

In a professional setting, self-importance can lead to a lack of collaboration, as the narcissist may prioritize their own success or ideas over the team’s.

This can create a toxic environment, negatively impacting everyone’s motivation and productivity while increasing the risks of conflicts.

In personal relationships, the dynamic may become unbalanced, with their needs and desires taking precedence, leading to feelings of neglect and being undervalued by their partners.

Over time, this dynamic will erode trust and communication, making it even more difficult to maintain a healthy and supportive connection.

Bayu Prihandito, Founder, Psychology Consultant, Life Coach for Men, Life Architekture

Trait #5: Inflated Sense of Reality

People with NPD tend to create realities that align with their needs, desires, and opinions and regard them as the most important. This can lead to conflicts with reality that others perceive, and we will be discussing the consequences of other mental disorders of living in this fantasy world.

Another cognitive distortion⁴ narcissists have is an inflated sense of their ego which makes them think they can do whatever they want. The self-constructed reality is built to keep up with their grandiose self-image but it often throws aside factual truth and other people’s perspectives. Anything that contradicts how they see themselves will be rejected, only reinforcing their distorted beliefs.

This breakdown in communication and understanding makes it hard for mental health professionals along with anyone else who tries to talk to them about what’s really happening. They will never consider alternative realities or engage in constructive dialogue because they believe their own reality is the r one and evne arothem is wrong. Being so stubborn isolates them from everyone else which doesn’t help when trying to build a connection with someone who experiences life differently than you do.

Trait #6: Violates Boundaries

Those with NPD have no respect for personal space. They will invade your boundaries at any chance they get, which is toxic not only to you, but others too⁵.

Sometimes it’s a physical violation and sometimes emotional abuse, other times it’s just the refusal to acknowledge someone asking for privacy. Though regardless of which one, this is where narcissists always start their violations — believing that what they want should always be put above others.

When boundaries aren’t res, the other person feelsn feel uncomfortable and disturbed. Trust turns into wariness, and safety into danger, as each time they cross that line it shows a clear sign of not caring or respecting it. After being disrupted enough times resentment starts to build up, and years of damage are caused even though respect was an easy thing to give.

Clarify and Communicate Boundaries

“Narcissist” is one of those words that has been so misused and overused that in most contexts, it no longer has any real meaning. Whenever two people break up, both are likely to tell their respective friends that the other partner was such a narcissist.

Using words to describe our experience can be helpful, but giving a diagnosis to everybody who rubs us the wrong way is harmful. So the more appropriate question, in my opinion, should be, “Can you share your insights on how boundary violations impact relationships and the steps individuals can take to protect their boundaries?”

And the first answer that comes to mind is that it’s essential to communicate our boundaries. We all bring different assumptions into our relationships and feel aggrieved when the other person does things that we assumed, but never clearly told them, they shouldn’t do.

Assumptions destroy relationships, and it’s essential to make our assumptions explicit and ask the other person to do the same.

Don Emmerich, Licensed Clinical Social Worker

Trait #7 Fantasies of Success and Power

Narcissists tend to dream about how successful they are on a regular basis. The issue with this though is that when you, think about something so much and grow such an insane disconnection from reality – the expectations you set for yourself won’t match what’s physically possible. We’ll go more in depth here and see how unrealistic goals hurt those with NPD.

There are times where these dreams are made because someone feels inadequate or vulnerable. And when this feeling completely takes over them their thoughts might be taken super far from reality. Besides being unrealistic though, people with NPD don’t even realize how ridiculous they sound when they’re asking others to get on board with their ideas.

It doesn’t matter whether we’re talking about personal lives or in the professional world, High expectations never met will lead to frustration whenever reality doesn’t match up with their fantasy world⁶.

When we talk about friendships or relationships though, this trait can put them far away from those who actually care about them. All it takes is 1 time of not laughing at their jokes or praising them for you to become enemy number 1. At that point they’ll resent you all for not seeing how great they are.

Trait #8 Emotional Rollercoaster

Mood swings happen to anyone with NPD, and the way they respond to something that means nothing can become way too much⁷. But how does this affect them and others?

Narcissists have emotional responses that are unpredictable and intense due to their need for admiration and respect. So when they’re not given what they want, or don’t get the amount of attention as another person does, they’ll lash out or just shut down.

This makes it extremely difficult for friends, partners, or coworkers to know how to handle them. They feel like they’re walking on eggshells around people who might just blow up at any second. And when someone doesn’t know how to handle them properly an atmosphere filled with tension and anxiety starts to circulate.

Trait #9 Hard Time Making Relationships

The self-centeredness of narcissistic personality disorder makes it hard for people with NPD to develop relationships that will last, let alone be healthy. The inability to read emotions and manipulate people all in favor of personal benefit is exactly why connections end up strained. I’ll take a closer look here and see just how much these interpersonal difficulties can affect relationships with mental disorders.

Because of the way they are, egocentric narcissists end up in toxic relationships, that aren’t healthy and collapse quickly. Thanks to their self-absorbed actions and inability to genuinely connect with others, partners don’t feel valued or appreciated. Initially, partners might be attracted by the grand gestures and apparent confidence. But very soon they will see this is an illusion that was put on only to get what they wanted. With only one person really seeking gratification, things quickly come to a stop.

Valuable and emotionally drained is how partners feel when they have to meet the constant demands of being in a narcissistic relationship, with someone who craves attention and admiration — a narcissist. Every relationship has, pro,blems but fixing them togeusually strengthens ittronger. Narcissists are unlikely to do this though, instead making it even worse than it already was for their partner.

So when someone leaves a relationship with a narcissist feeling relieved, despite having some emotional scars, it’s completely understandable.

Understand and Reassert Personal Boundaries

When someone keeps crossing your boundaries, especially if they have narcissistic traits or even Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), it can really shake up a relationship.

Importantly, there is a big difference between the small boundary slips that happen by accident in any relationship and the serious and consistent ones, which might be a sign of mental illness.

The latter ones are not just being clumsy; some people do it on purpose to get the upper hand, the admiration, and that can make you start to doubt your own worth over time.

Feeling like you’re constantly being pushed around and needing to make up for real or imagined mistakes can make you feel helpless and low. That’s why it’s so important to keep checking in with yourself.

Make sure you’re not slowly giving up on what you believe in or starting to do things that just don’t feel right to you.

Understanding what boundaries really mean is vital. Boundaries are all about knowing what you’re not okay with, and not about bossing others around! For example, saying ‘I’m going to hang up if you start yelling at me’ is setting a healthy boundary.

But saying ‘I’ll hang up whenever you say something I don’t like’ is actually crossing someone else’s boundary, as they have the right to share their opinions respectfully.

Make sure to check in with yourself—do you still feel okay about the relationship and the things you need to do? Boundary violations often increase gradually, and we might not even realize how bad the situation is.

Listen to your friends if they are telling you that you’ve changed in your relationship. When you’re dealing with someone who keeps disrespecting your boundaries, even after you’ve told them what’s not okay, you’ve got to be ready to take a step back from that relationship.

It’s tough, but remembering that your peace of mind and self-respect come first is key. It’s about making sure you’re treated the way you deserve, even if it means walking away from someone who can’t give you that respect.

Adam Horvath, Psychologist, Personal Psychology

Trait #10: Unjustified and Unrealistic Sense of Deserving Special Treatment

We all know someone who thinks the world revolves around them. Those kinds of people usually strain the bonds they have with others—something that’s further emphasized in individuals with NPD who think it’s okay for them to receive special treatment without any reason. We’ll dive deeper into what this means.

Individuals who suffer from NPD often believe they’re entitled to special treatment even when there isn’t any justification for it. This can manifest in different ways like expecting priority when out socializing or demanding immediate attention. But just because this is what they want doesn’t mean everyone should give it to them—especially if doing so comes at their personal gain at another person’s expense.

The requests that come from this sense of entitlement make those around a narcissist uncomfortable and quite often, angry. Since the 12 traits of a narcissist requires that others act this way, it creates a dynamic where everyone feels like they must cater to their desires. This doesn’t make for healthy friendships or relationships either. But on top of all of that, narcissists don’t see how their behavior negatively affects those around them.

Trait #11: Manipulative Behavior

Narcissists see manipulation as a tool that helps maintain control in relationships. We’ll look at what tactics they use and how they can impact the people in their lives.

Being manipulative is common in those with NPD because it’s the only way they can uphold their self-esteem and get the admiration and dominance they crave⁸. But even though it’s common, it’s still damaging to everyone who experiences it first-hand. These manipulative, narcissistic people might play the victim or gaslight someone else into thinking their thoughts and actions aren’t correct. No matter which tactic is used, it’s always done to shift the balance of power in favor of themselves.

Those being manipulated may find themselves giving in to demands or doubting reality — both causing them to feel powerless and worthless. Trust deteriorates over time due to manipulation, which makes for an environment that’s toxic.

Trait #12: Fragile Self-Esteem

Though narcissists project an image of confidence, they have very fragile self-esteem. We will go into how this manifests and the effects it has on their behavior and relationships.

Narcissists typically try to seem grandiose and confident, but behind their facade lies a fragile self-esteem. This means that they depend heavily on external validation to affirm their self-worth. When something or someone threatens this image they’ve built, they will react strongly with anger, defensiveness, or withdrawal.

This fragility leads to a constant need for validation and special treatment. They fill the void within them by getting others to do it, giving them a sense of positive self image and-worth. But that void can never be filled, and regardless of how much flattery they receive, it’ll never be enough.

Criticism is met with hypersensitivity. Taking responsibility for anything is hard for them, so instead, they blame other people. They see even constructive feedback as an attack against their person’s ability, which causes them to lash out aggressively or defensively.

A weak self-esteem also means a lack of empathy for other people’s feelings or needs. All they care about is themselves — even if that means taking advantage of others to prioritize what they want. The root of this selfishness is actually fear — fear of being seen as less than.

Empathy and Boundaries in Relationships with Narcissistic Traits

In my experience as a mental health professional, navigating relationships with individuals who lack empathy, especially those with narcissistic traits, requires patience, understanding, and clear boundaries.

Establishing open communication channels and validating their emotions while also assertively addressing any harmful behaviors can be effective strategies.

Collaborating with psychologists specializing in personality disorders can offer valuable insights and tailored interventions to foster understanding and improve communication within these relationships.

Niloufar Esmaeilpour, MSc, RCC, SEP, Lotus Therapy & Counselling Centre

Conclusion

In conclusion, narcissism comes from an inflated importance, lack of empathy and manipulative and narcissistic tendencies that all stem from poor self-esteem. It’s important to note that those behaviors don’t mean someone is diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder but understanding the way it works helps us understand them better and cater our relationships to this knowledge.

To validate their sense of self-worth, narcissists beg for attention and admiration. They will exaggerate their accomplishments and display other narcissistic traits and behavior to get this praise.

All in all, knowing the common traits and dynamics tied to narcissism makes dealing much more accessible with people that exhibit it. Setting boundaries, practicing self-care, and seeking support are all very important when faced with challenges caused by this kind of person.

Guest Author: Saket Kumar

Sources

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Last Updated on April 5, 2024 by Saket Kumar