It is often tough to comprehend the journey of a narcissistic relationship, which is characterized by emotional frustration. The scope of this post is to analyze the 21 stages of a narcissistic relationship that people may pass through. This piece will outline the journey from attraction to recovery, giving breakdowns into each stage and providing help for those needing solace.
Understanding Narcissism and Its Characteristics
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)1, on its part, is defined by narcissistic traits, an exaggerated sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy for others, and an incessant need for excessive attention. It is common for such people to engage in maladaptive or toxic behaviors aimed at protecting their fragile egos.
The intricacies associated with NPD, including how it can negatively impact relationships, are not straightforward, considering that both the partner and the other narcissist’s behavior are highly affected.
Overview Toxic Relationships and Narcissistic Relationships
Toxic relationships refer to any relations that are harmful to one’s well-being, often filled with unhealthy behaviors like manipulation, control, and abuse. Within toxic or abusive relationships, there exists a subset known as narcissistic relationships where one partner dominates over another using manipulative tactics. Such unions tend to cause significant psychological distress to an empathic person involved.
Stages of a Narcissist Relationship
Attraction
When a narcissist meets an empathic person, they feel like soul mates from heaven. The narcissist likes the sensitive side of an empath while the confidence portrayed by a narcissist attracts the empath. A narcissistic relationship begins with a very strong connection that seems magnetic during attraction stage.
The words of praise, compliments can be deeply validating or intoxicating for someone who lacks a low self esteem-worth especially if they have been made desperate by abusive partners. Primarily this happens because these people have mastered the art of pretending what their partners want them to be resulting in an illusion of compatibility and rapport.
During this first stage the narcissist tends to present themselves in a positive manner, showing off qualities such as charisma, intellect and seeming self-assurance. They may also go further by “love-bombing” the empath with gifts, compliments and promises of a perfect life together. For an empath whose love is unconditional, this can be very compelling.
Illusion
The narcissist creates an illusion of being the perfect partner during the illusion phase. Love bombing helps to create strong attachment bonds.
This is a crucial point in the relationship between a narcissist and their partner. The empath might start getting emotionally invested because they see these gestures from a narcissist as signs of someone who is meant for them.
Devaluation
The moment the empath has bought into the narcissistic relationship pattern, they enter into devaluation stage. It usually happens when a narcissist picks on and mocks his or her partner making their partner’s self-esteem evaporate.
The devaluation stage marks a stark transition that is often shocking in their dynamics of relationships. At this point, it dawns on the empath that the person he or she thought was so loving could turn out to be very critical and contemptuous.
Devaluation may vary from subtle jibes to outright insults and demeaning remarks. They may start to question the empath’s intellect, attractiveness or value, which kills the self-assurance that was built by the admiration of the narcissist. Consequently, this shift aims at destabilizing an empath so that they become more vulnerable to further manipulation and control2.
Trauma Bonding
Regardless of the negativity there is a trauma bond which develops making the empath emotionally dependent on the narcissist. This bond is further strengthened by occasional positive reinforcement thereby perpetuating the cycle.
The phase of trauma bonding is a conundrum with an increasing attachment towards a narcissist in-spite of continuous maltreatment. Instead, this bond springs from abusive relationship patterns that have been normalized. With various devaluations and intermittent displays of affection, the empath becomes confused and reliant.
This dependency is often compared with addiction because it makes its victim yearn for every kind gesture or moment of understanding received from their abusers like drugs. Such actions provide temporary respite easing the pain derived from devaluation forcing empaths to await for favorable moods in order to be loved.
Control
Through these emotional blackmail and manipulation tactics3, a narcissist controls his or her partner by determining their thoughts, feelings and actions.
In narcissistic relationships, control is where power dynamics become overtly oppressive. At this point, there can be an increase in need for dominance as well as ego affirmation forcing them to use different manipulative strategies against their partners.
During this stage, emotional manipulation becomes a crucial tool for a narcissist. Guilt fear righteous anger or shame are employed by narcissistic personalities for them to influence how empaths should act such that they will not affect their thoughts as well as emotions. This can be characterized by mild compulsion or open demands where everything has to be seen only through their eyes while presenting other people’s emotions and ideas as irrationality or incorrectness on behalf of an empath.
The methods used by the narcissist for controlling the empath are meant to cut them off from their support networks, thus making it harder for them to seek outside opinions or support. Such isolation may be achieved directly through criticizing friends and relatives or using some subtle strategies as monopolizing all of a victim’s time and attention so that there is no space left for others.
Never Satisfied
No amount of pleasing can satisfy the narcissist who keeps on shifting goalposts and raising an impossible standard.
In the stage where the narcissist is never satisfied, the empath’s efforts to meet their partner or narcissist’s approval and demands are met with moving goalposts. This means that they perpetually change criteria for acceptance or increase levels of standards until achieving a state where no sense of achievement or stability will come into an empath’s life. To keep empaths in a state of eternal struggle and anxiety, they are made to believe that if only they could do more, be more, love better then they would acquire the same approval and love that was once expressed by their narcissistic partners.
Defeat and Denial
Being constantly criticized, the empath may feel defeated and start to deny the reality of the abuse by rationalizing the behavior of the narcissist.
A sense of profound fatigue emotional exhaustion and disillusionment is often felt by an empath in this phase of defeat and denial. Criticisms without end and unattainable expectations from a narcissist lead to hopelessness where attempts to please become useless. The empath can fall into a state where emotional reserves are so low that he or she begins to take care of themselves minimally, refusing to acknowledge an emotionally abusive tactic or relationship and making excuses for a narcissistic partner who could be stressed, misunderstood or even believing that they are just inadequate.
This mechanism helps in dealing with cognitive dissonance between their love for their partner and commitment made and what is happening in reality with their partners who have subjected them to abusive dynamics.
By denying such kind of emotional abuse itself, then the empath maintains an image of what could be possible when it comes to relationships, thinking that things will get better if one tries harder or waits longer. However, this refusal prevents the empath from acknowledging his/her need for change thus keeping him/her entangled into a vicious cycle where healing process is delayed.
Entrapment
The empathy feels trapped in this narcissistic relationship stage where they cannot see away out as they are tied down by trauma bond and illusion stage they want back into.
Deep feelings of confinement and impotence characterize the feeling of being trapped. The empath often finds it hard to imagine her life outside these walls because she is supposedly inextricably connected with her abuser by means of complicated trauma bonds. Despite all the humiliations experienced, however, the target individual’s emotional bond towards their narcissist partner can be combined with intermittent affections given occasionally to prevent separation from happening due to those strong anchors.
In addition, it complicates matters further when an empath aspires to return to an earlier period when everything appeared splendid at first sight and the partner seemed lovely and caring.
Resistance
Eventually, the empath starts to resist the narcissist’s control, often leading to increased conflict within the relationship.
The empath at the stage of resistance begins gaining strength and fighting back against oppressive control that narcissists exercise on them. This change usually comes through an awakening about what is happening between them and an increase in empathy’s self-esteem and desire for autonomy once again.
Resisting can be doing a lot of things like drawing lines or openly opposing what he or she hears a narcissist say. As such, in this context, every time an empath asserts themselves by refuting unacceptable treatment there will always be an escalation of disagreements leading to more fights.
In response, the narcissist may engage in increased manipulation or aggression aimed at reestablishing dominance because they perceive this change as a threat to their power and control.
Gaslighting
As a response, the narcissist may use gaslighting techniques causing the narcissist portrays the empath to question his or her sanity as well as perception.
Therefore, ‘Gaslighting’ is one of most dangerous aspects of a narcissistic bond where it involves psychological manipulations4 that create seeds of doubt in others’ minds. This kind of behaviour was meant to make empaths lose touch with reality thereby questioning their memories about everything they experienced in life. This tactic can be incredibly disorienting and damaging, as it erodes the empath’s trust in their own perceptions and can lead to a significant decrease in the empath’s self esteem and-confidence.
The narcissist may increase the use of gaslighting as a means to regain control once the empath or victim begins to resist this manipulation; for instance, they may deny previous abusive incidents, contradict the empath’s feelings or dismiss their concerns as overreactions.
Projection
One common defense mechanism employed by the narcissistic abusers is blame-shifting, where any faults in the relationship are deflected onto the empaths.
Blame-shifting is a manipulative strategy used by the narcissist to wriggle out of accountability for their actions and faulting the empath. In so doing, they avoid detection and inflict more pain on their partner. Some examples could be when a narcissist blames an empath’s perceived deficiencies in causing problems within a relationship through reactions.
The narcissist maintains their image of superiority5 and strengthens an unequal balance of power between themselves and other people by placing continual blame on empaths.
This can then lead to an exhausted empath who has undergone cycles of devaluation and gaslighting starting to believe that they should be blamed.
Self-Accusation
The empath may take upon themselves this fault, and feel guilty about things going wrong in their romantic relationship, or leading to disappointment from a selfish lover.
The empath enters into self-accusation by assuming that all issues surrounding their relationship are solely their fault. They ruminate over what they perceive as personal failures believing that if only they were more understanding, patient or loving then everything would have been okay.
This constant self-critique often reflects how poor the narcissist feels about himself, which he projects onto his dependents over time. As guilt overwhelms them and distorts one’s sense of responsibility, it becomes impossible for an empath to look at things as they are.
It is part of a cycle that feeds into the abuser’s desire for control while deflecting attention away from his/her own toxic behavior. Thus, any healing journey for an empath must involve accepting that they have been misplacing blame and seeking self-esteem that is not contingent upon the validation of the narcissist.
Confusion
In this stage, an empath who loved someone finds it hard to grapple with how they are hurting them.
During the confusion stage, the empath is navigating through turbulent waters of feelings and thoughts. A fog of doubt surrounds their minds on account of a wide difference between what was perceived initially as an ideal person in a narcissist and their present hurtful behavior.
The empath cannot understand how the person he or she thought had been his or her life partner could turn out to be so painful emotionally. This internal conflict is exacerbated by the intermittent affection shown by the narcissist who briefly rekindles hope in the empath for better days.
However, these moments do not last, as soon as reality sets in and throws him back into disappointment. In such a state, they can neither trust their own judgment nor utilize past experiences since it is difficult for them to remember when things were great and now they are suffering from abuse. The resulting confusion leaves them feeling lost and uncertain about where they stand.
Survival Mode
Usually, one thing empaths do at this point is to go into survival mode whereby they detach themselves emotionally and physically to prevent further harm from coming their way.
A state of emotional numbness might be employed by an empath in survival mode as a way of combating the trauma that continues unabated. In this sense, such detachment is a self-protective measure, which enables them to confront their daily relationship tribulations with less immediate psychological pain. By dissociating themselves from their emotions, the empath tries to protect themselves from being driven into intense psychological pain by the sharp edges of criticism and contempt exhibited by a narcissist.
Nevertheless, this numbing also keeps them apart from life’s pleasures and bonds away from toxic dynamics. As the victim struggles just to survive each day rather than pursuing satisfaction or happiness, his/her world grows smaller and narrower. Eventually, this coping mechanism may lead an empath to feign ignorance of his/her own values and identity as he/she exerts all available energy towards avoidance of conflicts and minimizing harm.
Coming Out of Denial
The realization that abuse patterns exist and must change may dawn on an empath after some time spent denying the same. Thus, emerging out of denial is like waking up after a long sleep. Having wended his/her way through the maze of confusion and guilt, the empath starts to see that the relationship is nothing more than an abusive cycle.
This realization usually comes with mixed emotions – anger, sorrow, relief because it forces empathy to face up to a painful truth they have been avoiding for so long.
A momentous occasion requiring great courage because facing reality entails taking apart comforting delusions. Empathy can begin disengaging from these toxic bonds thereby setting the stage for recovering their freedom leading towards healing with this newfound clarity.
It is critical for moving away from narcissists to break free but it takes overcoming one’s worst fears in embarking on the journey toward healthier self-determined lives for a person who has gone through this step.
Recognition of Abuse
Recognizing narcissistic abuse is a critical moment for an empath, which makes the person know that he or she is not to blame for a narcissist’s actions.
Acknowledgment of abuse in the context of a relationship with a narcissist is a major turning point for an empath. This marks when the fog lifts and reveals patterns of manipulation and control. It can be accompanied by numerous emotions where the empath realizes that devaluation, gaslighting and shifting blame were not their fault but rather the actions of a narcissist. Upon realizing this, the empath begins to let go of the misplaced guilt and shame that they have been carrying so unjustly.
It becomes clear to them that their partner’s bad behavior was never their responsibility, and no amount of effort could have resulted in different dynamics for the two partners. Therefore, through this realization, one acknowledges wrongdoing to heal oneself; it brings out who they really are as individuals and further sets limits against more maltreatment.
Additionally, it sets grounds for seeking help from others or resources that would be of assistance to recovery process while promoting resilience and self-love as one takes steps away from the abuse.
Reclaiming Power
The empath starts taking back his/her power by setting boundaries again after being enlightened about what they should accept no more.
Taking back power involves dismantling some patterns that kept an empath subjugated within the relationship. In this phase, clear and firm boundaries must be put in place: such an act not only protects but also says who one is respectfully because it shows respect for oneself with freedom from any form of control or manipulation by a narcissist after becoming more aware about their innate worthiness.
During this time there might be some resistance posed by these shifts towards control again by a narcissistic personality as shown through increased forms such as escalation. However, at this stage, emboldened by knowledge about what they deserve in life devoid of maltreatment, the empath’s determination becomes resolute. As a result, the empath is going to feel more empowered and capable of making decisions which are crucial for their healing process.
Discard
A narcissist may discard their partner after these changes, bringing a close to the relationship abruptly when they no longer serve their needs6.
The empath is often shocked and hurt when the narcissist unexpectedly ends their relationship without prior notice or explanation. This abrupt breakup is ordinarily due to the empath’s more pronounced self-assertion and fenced-off boundaries that challenge the narcissist’s authority. For a narcissist, once their partner no longer panders to their ego by providing adulation and compliance they need, such a partner ceases to have any value in their eyes.
In contrast, many empaths are destroyed by a coldness with which this rejection is executed, finding it hard to believe that their loved one can act so heartlessly. It is meant to be a highly painful and confusing maneuver that leaves an empath victim feeling confused, abandoned, worthless and alone. Nevertheless, although in the short term it causes immediate pain, discard phase is also seen as an inadvertent catalyst for ultimate liberation and healing of empaths since it forcefully removes them from toxic environment thereby giving them a chance to start rebuilding their life away from narcissistic influence.
Healing
Empaths usually begin healing after relationships end though the process may be quite challenging. This time allows for reflection, growth and rebuilding.
The empath embarks on a journey of rediscovery and rebirth where they are able to gradually piece together who they are. This stage involves deep soul searching as they look at how their relationship has affected them as individuals most especially in terms of well-being.
Often for the very first time in years, the empath starts putting themselves first which can be both exciting and scary all at once. During this period therapists, support groups or friends who understand can offer empathy thereby validating what the empath went through.
As they go through this pain, the empath starts taking back herself independently of what used to define her as far as that narcissistic relationship was concerned. They gain more healthy coping mechanisms as well as set up better boundaries that will form a foundation for future relationships and personal development. Healing does not progress straightforwardly; it includes relapses and breakthroughs, but each step taken reinforces the empath’s resilience and self-compassion. Gradually over time, with effort, the scars begin to heal allowing individuals to reengage with life from a place of new found strength and purpose.
Hoovering
The narcissist may try to come back into the empath’s life through hoovering when using their old tactics to regain control. It is very important for empaths not to waiver in their boundaries during this time. Hoovering is a manipulative tactic where a narcissist tries to draw an empath back into a toxic relationship pattern after a period of separation or post-discard phase.
This could involve pretending regret or making huge promises of turning around or even by trying to make the empath feel sorry by playing victim. In vulnerable moments, the narcissists might reach out hoping that they can bank on the compassion empaths are naturally born with and any emotional bond that might still linger between them.
For these reasons, it is essential for empaths to realize that those actions are nothing else but attempts of re-establishment of dominance rather than genuine efforts towards reconciliation. Therefore, drawing firm boundaries and seeking support from trusted people can go a long way in helping empaths ignore hoovering and continue healing.
Moving On
The end-step is the empath moving on from the relationship, living without the narcissist, and embracing a future full of healthier relationships. Moving on from a relationship with a narcissist is a profound transformation that includes emotional detachment as well as re-orienting one’s life and expectations by the empath.
It is during this period that lessons learned from past experiences are connected into future relationships based on health. The empath starts to appreciate his or her own value and understand that they should be treated with dignity and care. They can explore new interests, circles of friends or acquaintances and career opportunities which were dwarfed by the demands of this narcissistic relationship.
Thus, building an authentic life free from manipulation and control becomes an identity journey for the journey of moving on. In this phase there is renewed hope in love which has mutual respect and genuine affection. With each step forward, the empath gets stronger and more confident; ready to face an unknown future with resilience in hearts.
Navigating Relationships with Narcissistic Traits: Recognizing, Setting Boundaries, and Cultivating Well-being
Alyssa Scolari, Licensed Professional Counselor and the owner of See You Through It Counseling explains how narcissistic tendencies impact family dynamics and guides on maintaining healthy relationships within the family unit:
“When we talk about relationships with individuals showing narcissistic traits, they can be really unbalanced. The person with these traits often dominates, leaving the other person feeling small and misunderstood.
This imbalance can get in the way of feeling connected and valued, which are super important in any healthy relationship.
If one finds themselves in this [kind of] situation, the first big step is to recognize what’s happening. Understanding these narcissistic tendencies is key. These tendencies often involve:
- A strong focus on oneself with a lack of empathy for others.
- Showing up as behaviors like needing constant admiration.
- Struggling with criticism.
- Being manipulative or controlling in relationships.
These traits can create significant challenges, resulting in a lack of authentic connections and emotional imbalances in relationships. Once you’ve identified these traits, you can establish boundaries to safeguard your emotional well-being and sense of self.
In therapy, we work on helping you see just how valuable you are. We explore ways to be more assertive and take good care of yourself mentally and physically. It’s also super helpful to have people outside the relationship who can offer support and a different point of view.
The main goal here is to equip you with the tools [you need] to improve the situation or, if necessary, step away from the relationship safely and confidently. Dealing with a narcissistic partner isn’t easy.
Still, with the proper support and strategies, you can protect your well-being and move towards healthier, more positive relationships.”
Recovery Process
Here are some ways to recovery after dealing with the 21 stages of a narcissistic relationship.
Psychological and Emotional Healing
Healing from a narcissistic relationship involves dealing with psychological wounds inflicted emotionally. It is one of those journeys that require patience, self-compassion, and often times to seek professional help.
Establishing Healthy Boundaries
Learning how to establish healthy boundaries is part of recovering from narcissism. This means knowing when to say no to something or someone.
Seeking Professional Assistance
Professional assistance such as therapy or support groups provides tools for navigating post-relationship emotions that are complex in nature.
Comprehensive Approaches to Understanding and Treating Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Barbara Santini, Psychologist and Relationship Adviser for Peaches and Screams shares clinical approaches and therapeutic strategies for identifying and treating individuals with NPD:
“When it comes to identifying and treating individuals with traits associated with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), I approach the situation with a blend of understanding and expertise.
- Understanding Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD): NPD7 is characterized by a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy.
Individuals with NPD often have an exaggerated sense of self-importance, a preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, or beauty, and a belief that they are special and unique.
- Diagnostic Challenges: Diagnosing NPD can be challenging because individuals with the disorder may not perceive their behavior as problematic.
They may present with comorbid conditions such as depression or anxiety, which can complicate the diagnostic process.
A comprehensive assessment that includes a thorough clinical interview, [observation of behavior], and the use of standardized assessment tools is essential for an accurate diagnosis.
- Treatment Approaches: Treatment for NPD typically involves psychotherapy, as there are no medications specifically approved for the disorder.
Psychodynamic therapy can be particularly effective in helping individuals with NPD explore the underlying causes of their behavior and develop insight into their thoughts and feelings.
Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT)8 can also be beneficial in addressing maladaptive thought patterns and behaviors associated with NPD.
- Challenges in Therapy: Individuals with NPD may present unique challenges in therapy, such as difficulties with forming a therapeutic alliance due to their mistrust of others or a tendency to manipulate situations to maintain their sense of superiority.
Therapists working with individuals with NPD must maintain clear boundaries while also providing empathy and support.
- Impact on Relationships: NPD can have a significant impact on interpersonal relationships. Individuals with NPD may struggle to maintain healthy relationships due to their need for constant admiration and validation.
They may also have difficulty empathizing with others, leading to conflicts and misunderstandings.
- Family Dynamics: Family dynamics can play a significant role in the development and maintenance of NPD.
Family therapy can be beneficial in addressing dysfunctional patterns and improving communication within the family system.
It can also provide support and education for family members dealing with the challenges of living with someone with NPD.
- Self-Exploration and Growth: Encouraging individuals with NPD to engage in self-exploration and personal growth is an essential [aspect of] treatment.
This can involve helping them develop a more realistic and balanced view of themselves and others, [as well as] identifying and addressing underlying insecurities and vulnerabilities.
- Long-Term Management: Managing NPD is often a long-term process that requires ongoing support and intervention.
It’s essential for individuals with NPD to commit to long-term therapy to maintain progress and address any relapses or setbacks that may occur.
Treating individuals with traits associated with NPD requires a comprehensive and nuanced approach that addresses the unique challenges of the disorder.
By understanding the complexities of NPD and tailoring treatment to the individual’s specific needs, psychologists can help individuals with NPD develop healthier ways of thinking and relating to others, ultimately improving their quality of life.”
Conclusion
Each step in the 21 stages of a narcissistic relationship involves numerous challenges that bring emotional turbulence along with it. However understanding these steps could empower victims to find their way out of darkness into recovery light. Once recognized as having problem healing process starts then path to healthier relationships comes in view.
Summary of the 21 Stages of a Narcissistic Relationship
From being in love bomb to being devalued and discarded painfully every single stage in the narcissistic relationship is a milestone to recovery. These stages can help individuals to recognize patterns, predict narcissistic behavior and take action steps to protect themselves from further harm.
Summary of Dynamics in Narcissist-Empath Relationships
The relationship between narcissists and empaths can be rather catastrophic because empaths aim at healing whereas narcissists prey on this trait. Breaking free and healing requires that an empath recognizes the toxic cycle.
Importance of Recognizing and Addressing Toxic Relationships
Toxic relationships, especially those involving narcissism, can have long-term effects on one’s mental and emotional wellbeing. Wellbeing and personal growth require identifying such unhealthy relationships as well as taking necessary measures to correct them.
Guest Author: Saket Kumar
Sources
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- Casale, Silvia, et al. “Trait-emotional intelligence and the tendency to emotionally manipulate others among grandiose and vulnerable narcissists.” The Journal of Psychology 153.4 (2019): 402-413. ↩︎
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- Bogart, Laura M., Eric G. Benotsch, and Jelena D. Pavlovic Pavlovic. “Feeling superior but threatened: The relation of narcissism to social comparison.” Basic and applied social psychology 26.1 (2004): 35-44. ↩︎
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