Whether in a romantic or platonic relationship, it is crucial you know how to control anger in a relationship. Your approach to rage in your relationship can either break or make it.
It’s pretty normal to feel anger as it is an inevitable emotion. However, controlling your anger is not all that difficult to achieve. Let’s look at all you need to know about anger, its possible causes, its diverse effects, and how to control it.
1. What is Anger?
Just like fear, anxiety, and happiness, anger is a normal human emotion. This is an inevitable emotion that occurs whether in a relationship with friends, siblings, or your partner. But then if anger is not controlled or managed well, it can cause havoc in that relationship.
Its triggers vary from person to person in the sense that what makes you furious can be totally different from what makes your partner or siblings angry.
Here are some of the possible triggers for anger in your relationship;
1. A situation where your partner doesn’t treat you like a priority. For some people, this triggers anger in them.
2. Stress can be a trigger to anger. Most people are the most annoying and frustrating when stressed.
3. When you’re in a situation where your partner does not in any way help with chores as simple as doing the dishes, cooking meals, and the likes
4. When your significant other says insensitive words to you or puts you in an uncomfortable situation can trigger anger.
2. Common Causes of Anger
Knowing the cause of the anger towards your partner is the first step to learning anger management.
There are some instances where this emotion can be justified, but that does not in any way mean that it shouldn’t be controlled.
Listed below are some of the many causes of anger in a relationship
2.1. Unsettled Issues
This is one of the most common causes of anger in a relationship. If there are issues that weren’t properly resolved or dealt with, it can lead to anger or resentment.
For instance, you’ve had an unresolved issue that has to do with cheating. You’ll definitely take out your resentment in form of anger at the slightest provocation.
2.2. High Expectations
Most times, people get angry in relationships because of the disappointment and frustration that comes with the fact that their partner is not who they’ve envisaged them to be. People fall in love with a certain idea in their minds, forgetting the fact that real life differs from fantasy.
When they realize that the idea of their partner is totally different from their reality, they get disappointed and take out the frustration on their partners.
2.3. Financial Stability
It is no news that financial stability is one of the many causes of anger in most relationships. If your partner is not able to provide for your basic needs, feeling anger and resentment is inevitable.
2.4. Dominant Character
If you’re in a relationship where you and your partner have really strong personalities, there is every tendency that you both to get angry at the same time.
There will definitely be a power struggle between the both of you. No one wants to take the blame for a misunderstanding because everyone is trying to prove they are right.
2.5. Priority
People have anger issues because of their partner’s priorities. Some people put their work or social life ahead of their partner’s priorities.
Instead of spending quality time or doing kinds of stuff together, they prefer to work or party all day. This causes a rift between partners and may lead to an outburst of anger.
3. How to Control Anger in a Relationship?
If you’re one with anger issues, it is crucial to know how to manage that anger so it doesn’t destroy your relationship. There are ways you can control anger to save your relationship.
We’ve listed out tips to help you put your emotions in check;
3.1. Focus on Self Management
Since you can’t control everyone’s thoughts, actions and emotions, you shouldn’t dwell on trying to appease and soothe them immediately after there is an outburst. Rather, focus on self-management.
Staying calm and collected in a heated situation is more effective than trying to calm the other party. You should focus on managing your reaction to the situation, this will help give the other person the chance to do the same.
Your attempt to control your partner’s emotions when in a heated argument can lead to a negative reaction from them.
You just have to learn to manage your reaction first before taking further steps. Bear in mind that your calm and collected response to your partner’s emotions can help curtail the situation.
3.2. Take Timeout
Stepping away from the situation is an effective way of controlling anger in a relationship. It is not out of place to quietly walk into another room during the heat of the situation.
You can ask your partner’s permission to go clear your head and collect your thoughts before you two can talk. In your alone time, try to stay calm and carefully think of how to respond and react to the situation.
Taking a timeout from each other will help you and your partner gather your thoughts without sentiments.
3.3. Look Beyond the Issues
It is obvious that there are certain conversations and topics that can trigger an angry reaction that can lead to conflict. These topics might include, parenting, feminism, politics, or sex.
You can easily say that having different opinions on these topics can lead to conflict. But in a real sense, it is our immature reactions to these topics that cause conflicts.
You should however focus on responding in a more mature way. Look past the issue and do not let whatever opinion that is raised cloud your thinking. This doesn’t imply that you’ll have to put up with an abusive partner.
It simply means that you’re ready and willing to not let your emotions get the best of you. You should know that if you’re calmer and mature, your relationship will be calmer and mature too.
3.4. Take Deep Breaths
Slowly breathing in and out will help a great deal when you feel angry. You just have to stay put and breathe in and out for a while till you feel calmer. Apart from calming anger, it helps to slow down your heart rate.
You can start by practicing this breathing when you’re not angry so that it will come in handy when you’re upset.
3.5. Know your Anger Warning Signs
It is very vital to know when you’re getting angry. This will help you use a coping mechanism to remain calm. You have to look out for some signs so you’ll not be caught off guard. These signs include;
- Increased heart rate
- Headache
- Agitation
- Anxiety
- Clenched fists
- Faster breathing
3.6. Practice Active Listening
Listening attentively to your partner when in a conflict will help solve the situation faster. You should try to talk things out and even ask them if you heard them right. Your anger will diffuse when you both actively listen to each other.
3.7. Observe your Negative Thoughts
When you have a destructive thought pattern, it is inevitable to get angry. The first step to fighting these thought patterns is to know them and identify them.
You should look out for;
1. Blaming people: Your first reaction to a situation is putting the blame on others. Instead of taking full responsibility for your actions, you blame your partner for everything that goes wrong.
2. Assumptions: You just assume that your partner does things to hurt you on purpose. For instance, if your partner forgets an important occasion, you assume that they did so to get back at you.
3. Restlessness: When you only dwell on negative things or actively look for things to get mad about. This sometimes occurs gradually till you reach your “breaking point” and become furious.
3.8. Resolve the Issues Together
If your first approach to an argument with your partner is winning, you are totally wrong. The right thing to do is to learn how to work together as a team to find a solution to the problem and also help deal with anger issues.
For instance, instead of saying “You never have time for me, you’re always all about work”. Try saying, “When we don’t spend time with each other, I feel you love your work more”.
3.9. Communication
One way to resolve conflict in a relationship is to communicate. Talk about your feelings with your partner. If you do not like the way something was done or said, keep out your emotions and talk it over with your partner; communication is key.
You can also ask your partner for a convenient time to talk about a particular issue. Arrive at a mutual agreement to solve the problem. You should bear in mind that it is you and your partner versus the problem and not you against your partner.
Irrespective of the anger or rage you feel, you should always remember to talk to your partner with respect. Communicating and working together to resolve an issue will help save your relationship.
3.10. Own your Emotions
It doesn’t matter the reason for your rage in the relationship, what matters is that you are able to own your emotions. When you have unresolved issues in your relationship, you will most likely direct the anger to your partner.
Since this emotion radiates from your end, it has something to do with your state of mind.
Now, this does not in any way justify the actions of your partner or that your complaints aren’t valid.
Your reaction to their actions is what matters. You should know that the key to how to control anger in a relationship is to own your emotions.
3.11. Find a Distraction
You don’t have to immediately react to an issue at the spur of the moment. You can try drinking a glass of water or even walk into another room before you respond.
You can also ensure you avoid giving your partner silent treatment. Even though you need time to collect your thoughts, it shouldn’t be a long period of time. Make sure to talk things over without your partner.
3.12. Repeat a Calming Phrase
There are words and phrases you can say to help calm your nerves when in a heated situation. When you notice your anger is starting to escalate, you can say soothing words like, relax, be at peace or chill out to calm your nerves.
3.13. Learn Relaxation Techniques
There are different calming techniques, and strategies to help you control your emotions. You can try out yoga, meditation, and deep breathing exercises to help relax and calm your mind.
Keep in mind that when you take care of your mental health, you’ll be able to put your emotions under control.
3.14. Forgive your Partner
You should learn to forgive your partner at all times. Even after a resolved issue, holding a grudge against your partner will do more harm than good. It will only create resentment towards them.
Forgiving your partner shows you are willing to let go of the problem to let peace reign. This means that once an argument is resolved, try not to bring up the issue in the future.
If you’re in a situation where you cannot forgive, you can seek professional help.
3.15. Add Humor to your Discussion
It is totally not out of place to chip in one or two funny statements when you realize that the atmosphere is tense. Humor can help a great deal in salvaging the situation.
You should however be mindful when it comes to throwing jokes in an argument because it is not ideal for all situations.
3.16. Speak to a Therapist
When you express anger in such a way that you begin to physically hurt other people, you should seek for professional help. In some cases, you’ll discover that it’s easy to talk to your therapist about your resentment than to your partner.
A therapist will help you find anger management groups or any other group of people who want to learn how to control their anger.
Keep in mind that it is crucial to figure out instances when your anger becomes destructive so that you can quickly seek professional help.
4. Breaking the Anger Cycle
Breaking the anger cycle in a relationship can be really difficult especially when the issue has been there for a very long time. The situation will require someone to acknowledge the issue.
You can start by having a rethink of the situation, but this time, with a positive and emphatic lens. ‘
The aim is to effectively communicate and reach a mutual agreement, rather than throw blames at each other. To release pressure, you can start by using “I” in conversations instead of “You”. This will allow your partner to feel heard and understood.
5. How to Find Help for Anger
When anger is not controlled, it can lead to damaging consequences. If you’re looking for ways to get help for this issue, read through these suggestions;
1. Community centers like churches, schools, and libraries often offer services to help you manage your anger. You can reach out to the closet to you when the need arises.
2. There are different kinds of hotlines and call centers available for you. The Love Is Respect hotline helps people from ages 13-26 who want to know how to navigate through romantic relationships.
3. There are therapists and support groups ready to help you in conflict resolution.
6. In the End
Since anger is a natural emotion, it is pretty normal to experience anger in relationships. You should know that people have different ways of expressing anger. Learning how to control anger in a relationship can be difficult but it is doable.
A happy relationship thrives with affection, care love, and compromise. Your partner is likely to work on their flaws if they see positive changes in your behavior.
We hope we’ve been able to do justice on how to control anger in a relationship. Kindly share your thoughts in the comment below. Best regards!
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