With morbid thoughts like I want to kill myself, it is scary experiencing the spring season with all the pretty flowers, the perfect temperature, the sunshine feeling like it’s a blanket wrapped around you that will protect you from everything.
And after all this, you have to come back to the cold, little dungeon you have formed for yourself. After visiting the spring, the dungeon isn’t the same, dark and cold.
It’s always darker, colder, and makes you cry because you miss the spring, but it’s gone. Like I don’t deserve to feel like I am worth living, that’s a luxury for other people to enjoy. I should live with my constant thoughts like; ‘I want to kill myself,’ ‘I’m a burden,’ ‘There’s no way, escaping all of this without having to die,’ ‘I’m a burden to those who have to have me in their life.’
‘I Want to Kill Myself’
To the one who’s reading this,
It’s been a long since I have been feeling that. It’s been there so long now that it has become a regular part of my life, to an extent, the days I don’t want to kill myself, it feels weird.
You see, the problem with it isn’t as much about how I feel. I understand how I feel, and I am partially okay with it. I have days where I don’t want this to go on, and I have slightly, only slightly better days too. You see, it’s not as much about how I feel.
It’s about how terrible I suppose I make others feel with my presence, with my constant sighs, with my recluse, with my discontentment about everything.
I know it’s utterly annoying to be in the presence of such a killjoy, and yet I can’t help it. I try, believe me, I do. I try and fix myself so people can be free of the necessity to ask me, “Why am I so miserable constantly?”
But I don’t have an answer to that. Relationships, love, people who are trying to cheer me, trying to make me happy so desperately.
I know not why I’m such a blue person. I am. Of course, if I go deep into it, I can pinpoint a copious amount of memories that acted as catalysts to my condition. But inherently, I suppose I was always predisposed to be this way now.
I was never the child that would always be free of worries and still laughing and giggling.
How can they not aware to the not so positive consequences of everything happening around them? My head was always filled with problems that I couldn’t solve, ‘I want to kill myself’ was then also my go-to solution. It has been the most prolonged and most constant companion of my life.
I have a lot of things that can make someone jealous, envious perhaps. But still, it’s just nearly impossible for me to look at the so-called bright side that everyone keeps talking about, or for that matter, see any good in myself. I have enough people telling me I am good at things, but I can never believe them.
“It’s a lie they are feeding you,” my brain would say, and I would, like always, believe it. Not saying that I have been a miserable person all this while, but if there were a bar graph for it, the yellow, happy bars would be dwarfed and plunged into non-existence compared to the blue and grey ones.
Initially, I sought hobbies and passions, but even though I am blessed with some creative talents to use as outlets, but these talents don’t overshadow the abyss that continually try to suck me in. There are days when I feel like doing something.
But the slightest criticism of what I want to do, makes me feel so hopeless that I embrace the fact that I’ll never truly accomplish anything in life. Nothing gives me peace, nothing makes me happy, and no matter whatever I create, I am never content with it.
Coming in terms with reality that, I will never be good enough has been embedded so hard, and it’s impossible to believe I can create something worthy of praise. This article is no different, either. I still try and fail miserably, and I understand it’s a futile thing that I keep following this doomed pattern of self-expression to self-hatred.
I try so hard to reach out to family and friends, but they all seem so distant now, caught up in their own complexes or maybe trivial thoughts. Perhaps I have made them distant with my psychological self-impulse exile. They try to reach out sometimes, and it upsets me.
Between days of not sleeping, then sleeping for 20 hours at a go. Between days of, ‘I want to kill myself’ to ‘I will fight harder’ to again ‘I want to kill myself.’ Between days of not eating and then stuffing down so much that it upsets my delicate internal balance. Between days of being pathetic to a rush of such immense emotions that you become hysteric or worse, catatonic.
Between shutting yourself off from the world to days where you would pay for someone to sit for a few minutes with you, and between days of fantastic, majestic, creative overflow to days where I am so blank, people think I’m brain dead. Between days of being scared of non-existence to days, I’ll instead welcome it.
Then some people say you are alive because you want to live. No, I’m terrified of the act of killing myself and the aftermath, which is undoubtedly oblivion. And the only reason I go on is that I understand that it would cause pain to others; they will feel the guilt that they could not read the signs and understand all too well.
I don’t want to give worry to people who love me. I don’t want to talk about my feelings, either. There’s only so much you can share before it becomes tiresome for people. This rant of mine isn’t supposed to accomplish anything.
I thought it was a skill set that I could learn to suppress my overwhelming misery and be a better person for others. But the more I tried, the more the vacuum of grey sucked me in. so don’t think I am avoiding you if I don’t answer your phone. I don’t think I am in a foul mood if I cannot contribute to a conversation.
Your friend, truly
If you are related to this letter, I recommend you read a little more. I see you, and I understand you. I have been there myself, and I would know how it feels, but I have come out of it. It feels strange that, I had such embedded desires to kill myself some years ago, but now I don’t feel so.
It feels unreal, all these feelings feel unreal now that I think of them, but they were genuine at one point of time. And honestly, it wasn’t easy, but it was worth everything I could give away.
It is important to know that everyone deserves to be happy, that means you too! You are no less than anyone, and you deserve the world as much as anyone does. Having negative thoughts constantly is tiring. I get it. But please, don’t stop trying.
You deserve everything you have wished for, in this world, and if there are a few battles left to fight for, please don’t stop trying. The journey might look complicated, but the final destination is worth every trouble you took and every scar you healed on the way.
I Want to Kill Myself: Ways You can Get Rid of This Feeling!
1. Seek Professional Help
This one is the most important. Of course, your efforts matter, but all your efforts could go in vain if not channeled in the right direction. They say hard work is better than smart work, and the therapist or the psychiatrist will help you look at your problem with a third person’s neutral perspective and encourage you to take the right steps.
If you find it hard to seek help yourself, call a trusted person and tell them you need professional help, so they can find the right service near to you and make appointments for you.
2. Deep Breathing
Breathing slow and taking long breaths increases the intake of oxygen that goes to your brain and helps slow the heart rate, which helps in calming down the brain a little bit. While the brain calms down, you can try to lay down and relax.
Deep breathing does wonder when you are panicking about something or when the thought, “I want to kill myself,” comes up; it can help you reason out the aftermath and the dire consequences of the thought.
As soon as the thought starts coming, try to refocus on something else. Keep a list of topics or question answers that may divert your mind from the dreadful thought. For example, you can think of three things that you can see around you, three sounds you can hear right now, or call a trusted friend.
4. Remember the Happy Days
We always have the better days where ‘I want to kill myself’ is not the point of focus, and we are happy, or we are with people that make us forget about the suicidal thoughts. Try thinking about them, imagine what would happen if you put in the efforts and get well, and those days can increase in number.
The darkness will fade, and the spring will come with its chirpiness and everything will feel better.
5. Refrain from Taking Drugs or Alcohol
Having suicidal thoughts is a sensitive issue, and while it is challenging to deal with them when sober, it will be nearly impossible to do so when intoxicated. Worse, it makes the suicidal thoughts grow more vigorous and doesn’t numb them down, as stated by the popular yet untrue rumors. Please do not take any nonprescription drugs; they might lead to unwanted consequences.
6. Keeping it Safe
Always make sure to identify your triggering points or thoughts that might force you to have suicidal thoughts so that you can avoid them when not under any supervision. Try to avoid going through places or things that have memories attached to them that make you feel suicidal. Stay away from toxic people.
7. Keep Hope
Keep reading about stories of people who have survived these thoughts and overcome their depression. Keep trying to find inspiration, and don’t lose hope.
All of these are just ways to prevent suicidal thoughts, but in the end, the permanent solution will be taking medical help.