Monday, August 2, 2021

We Indians

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Indians, Bhartiya, Hindustani … all these are synonymous terms. We have various subclasses with dress codes of their own, although these aren’t biological classes, and even we don’t know who classed us so. These classes are termed as “Religions,” these, in turn, having their own subtypes spelled and termed as “Castes.”

Most of the members of these classes are seldom seen in harmony with each other. This is, of course, not a survival tactic, and even the wise men haven’t yet figured the reason out. From my perspective, it’s a type of pastime which helps us Indians to get rid of boredom. I should now divert from this “classes” topic, which will eventually become the sole topic of this article.

I tried hard but couldn’t unravel the mystery behind the censoring of bad words in Indian shows like MTV Roadies, Big Boss, and others belonging to this league. If you show an uncensored version of any of these shows to a kid, it’d be no surprise if he says that these were the words he heard the day before from his father. This isn’t less than proof for the fact that we Indians have a plethora of vibrant stuff in our “Desi Gaali Shabdkosh” as compared to the “Hindi Shabdkosh” (Please don’t ask me to mention “English Dictionary” here).
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Indian railways are one of the largest rail networks in the world. But, if you happen to travel in a non-ac coach, like most of the Indians, you may doubt the first line of this paragraph after having experienced the way Indians travel in trains. You’re a hero if you complete your journey sitting in front of a family with toddlers and kids:-kids who wipe their nosy hands off your clothes with their pampering parents.

You fall prey to all types of fragrances (especially the bad ones) in an Indian Rail coach. And a journey of more than 20 hours is no less than hell. It’s even possible that you don’t find a place to place your feet in the bathroom. Yeah, as time passes, the bathroom turns into an “abode of shit.” That’s the reason one should never be aimless (if you get what I said). It would help if you gave it a try to experience this. Talking of Indian Railways, I recently read a joke saying it happens only in India that you ask, “ye 9 baje waali Gadi kab ayegi?”

 Indian squat toilet: trust me; it’s the best way of unloading all that shit you’ve been storing from time immemorial all in one go. It’ll take a fraction of a second, and you’ll be done. All you need to do then is to flush out your creativity so that the next user doesn’t suffer. Creativity reminds me of the fact that we have many Picassos thriving in our country. If you aren’t aware of this, you can witness their great work of art on historical monuments and memorials anywhere in India. That’s not the way Mr.  M. F. Hussain would’ve influenced India. We are the ones who have the guts to pee on a Swachh Bharat Abhiyaan poster and put up a Swachh Bharat abhiyaan poster where people pee.

We’ve possessions to boast of. Zero and the value of pi, Aryabhatta was the genius behind these discoveries. We take pride in Mr. C. V. Raman and Mother Teresa – Indian Nobel laureates. Sundar Pichai, Satya Nadella, Indra Nooyi, and many more Indians are international business giants’ drivers. Our techies are reigning Silicon Valley. Techies are produced in humongous numbers in India every year.

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To end with, as Russell Peters says it: “We Indians can never smell of shit as we wash our ass, and not wipe it.”

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