It’s the middle of October and you’re listening to a new The 1975 track, “When We are Together“. For those oblivious to this gorgeous, and funny song, here is a particular lyric that comes to mind when wondering about what is gaslighting in a relationship,
“I thought we were fighting,
But it seems I was gaslighting you,
I didn’t know that it had its own word“
In most cases, like in this song, a gaslighting partner does not even realize that they are one.
Considering it was Merriam Webster’s 2022 Word of the Year, you would think it is one of those cool trendy words like ‘mansplaining’ that the younger generations love using, but contrary to that belief, it’s been around for a while.
1. The Gas Has Been Lit Since 1938
It all began in 1938 with an English thriller play named Gas Light. An American adaptation of this play named Angel Street was also successful. Then came a 1940 British movie based on this play.
1.1. The American Movie, Gaslight
Then, as is tradition, an American version was made in 1944 named Gaslight. It starred the brilliant Ingrid Bergman. The story revolves around a man who manipulates his wife into thinking she’s the one who is mentally unstable so that he can steal from her. Now that is what gaslighting relationship is. While the movie did not mention the term Gaslighting, it helped associate the word with its current meaning.
2. What is Gaslighting in a Relationship?
Merriam-Webster defines gaslighting as, the psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of periods the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence, self-esteem, uncertainty of one’s emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator.
Those were a couple of hard-hitting words. Let’s break it down a little. Gaslighting is when a person you respect/love talks or interacts with you in such a way that makes the victim question their own reality and feelings.
2.1. Gaslighting is Emotional Abuse
Gaslighting in relationships is an example of an abusive relationship. There’s no other sweet way to put it. It’s a form of emotional abuse. While domestic violence is in itself a complete nightmare, we really shouldn’t undermine how damaging gaslighting in relationships can be.
Gaslighting Examples-
Think of this fictional situation that I’m sure many people have felt in their lives at one point. You have a partner. You’re in your late teens. You have your big bag of insecurities. Now let’s assume those insecurities include your body and your weight and looks.
Any good partner would always like you for the way you are, not the way society has deemed to be the only way to be. But a questionable partner would say things like “Your personality makes up for your looks” or make snide comments or call you fat when your BMI was 19. And these remarks don’t stop. They keep on coming incessantly until you start believing that maybe you are ugly and should feel some sort of gratitude that your partner is even giving you the time of the day. And the times you, express hurt are dismissed. Instead, you keep bearing the abusive behaviour of your partner. Until you realize this isn’t a healthy relationship, at all.
Gaslighting in relationships has been highlighted in various popular media such as the reality TV show The Bachelorette and The Chicks 2020 song, “Gaslighter“.
3. The Psychology of Gaslighting in Romantic Relationships
Gaslighting has so much with gaining power and control over a person who they think is easily manipulated. People with personality disorders such as narcissistic personality disorder usually tend to use gaslighting techniques to play mind games with their victims. The perpetrator uses his/her knowledge of emotional intelligence to maintain control of the person’s feelings.
A gaslight-er isn’t born like how you are a tea or coffee lover. They are created from the circumstances they lived through and scenes they witnessed throughout their life. It becomes their way of life. A tool essential for the life and power they crave. Maybe the need for this tool stemmed from their mental health issues. There could be a plethora of reasons why a gaslighter is created.
3.1. Relationship Satisfaction
Relationship satisfaction is higher for the abuser than the victim who is experiencing gaslighting. The gaslighter gains so much power while the victim’s memory is all mush due to the gaslighter’s constant trickery. There is a power play here and one party is winning.
3.2. How Gaslighting in Relationships Starts Ruining Your Mental Health
It starts slowly with hidden manipulation games. And the harmless little white lies spoken every other day. You don’t think much of it until their convincing abilities are so strong that can alter the amount of belief their victim has in their feelings and words. This leaves the victim questioning their own reality.
They start thinking maybe it wasn’t as much of a big deal as they had thought it to be. Maybe they were just being sensitive about it. They don’t trust their own memory.
By doing this they start believing whatever is told to them, and now they’re trapped. And in complete control of their abuser. There isn’t a power struggle anymore. The victim’s self-worth is destroyed. And the abuser can gain power over his victim’s life.
People who gaslight, make the victim feel guilty about things they shouldn’t even feel guilty about.
And anyone can be a victim of gaslighting, it could be in teenage relationships or in relationships that turned into something supposedly more permanent, i.e, marriage. It doesn’t even have to be romantic relationships, as we discuss below.
4. Women Experience More Gaslighting
It goes without saying, women suffer a lot through gaslighting in romantic relationships. This is backed by facts. Robin Stern, PhD, co-founder and associate director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence and author of The Gaslight Effect states that in all his years of clinical practice, the gaslighters have been males while the victims have been women.
According to Paige Sweet, a sociologist professor at the University of Michigan, the abusive partner (usually a man) bases his gaslighting behaviours on preexisting gender stereotypes and inequalities in society. Women are already in a disadvantaged position in a majorly patriarchal society. This makes them more susceptible to hurtful behaviours from their partners.
5. Warning Signs-
Here is a list. If you’ve felt anything as mentioned below, you may be in a gaslighting/abusive relationship. The moment you see signs of gaslighting, you should be ready to leave for the sake of your life and mental health.
- You can feel your reality shifting, you aren’t sure about your own perceptions.
- You question your own judgment about your things.
- You feel guilty about something you deep down know isn’t your fault.
- You’re constantly thinking that you’re the problem always.
- Your partner’s behaviour is never the cause of fights, the blame is always on you.
- You continually apologize.
- Your mental health has dived since your relationship started.
- You end up feeling threatened in the presence of your partner.
- The above feelings are also similar when a person is suffering from depression or anxiety disorders. Still, in gaslighting, another person is primarily responsible for making you feel negative about yourself.
Image by Kinga Cichewicz/ Unsplash
6. Gaslighting in the Work Environment
Ever felt like you’ve had the strongest feelings of self-doubt of your life after spending just 15 minutes with someone in a meeting? It was probably a gaslighting situation. Recall the moments your coworker made you second guess all the work you’ve done, and invalidate all your thoughts and questions or that low self-esteem moment after someone criticized your work just mercilessly? Yeah, congratulations you’ve been gas-lit. When you finally realize someone who can blatantly lie about you to your boss is not really the greatest person in the world. This kind of gaslighting in work relationships can be just as toxic as any other romantic relationship.
As if the gender pay gap wasn’t enough, we also have men wanting to exert power over others and ruin their victim’s life in the workplace too.
7. Medical Gaslighting
A woman’s suffering has no end it seems. Being led to believe there is nothing wrong with your health by your healthcare provider, even after you know and feel like there is, is medical gaslighting. According to a study, women are also more likely to be misdiagnosed by doctors.
7.1. Signs of Medical Gaslighting-
- Your healthcare provider doesn’t seem to believe you even after you’ve stated symptoms you’ve noticed.
- They don’t pay proper attention or don’t listen to you what you have to say carefully.
- They don’t order further tests and scans to confirm/deny any diagnosis.
8. Can Gaslighters be Fixed?
The short answer is yes. But fixing them is not your job. A mental health professional is better equipped to deal with the abuser and his/her gaslighting behaviour. A clinical psychologist is trained in dealing with mental health issues and hence can offer support.
There are also so many support groups for the gaslight-er in case they wake up one day and realize they could be the reason all their relationships turn into ‘unhealthy relationships. Various family members can be helping them out. Their friends who have probably witnessed their gaslighting behaviour can also try to make them see some sense.
On the off chance that you feel like you want to stay with your partner despite their bad behaviour, couples counselling is a thing that you could try out.
But please prioritize yourself first. It takes all your strength and courage to leave a relationship that is so intoxicating sometimes, and sometimes just toxic. And if you can do that, then don’t wait a minute and do it. Maybe one day they’ll be able to stop gaslighting. Maybe they never will. You shouldn’t suffer either way.
A romantic relationship is supposed to be one of the greatest joys of life, rather than being an experience that toys with a person’s reality.
8.1. How to Help Yourself, the Victim
If you’re a victim of gaslighting, consider the following-
- Recognize that there is a problem. Realize the romantic relationship you had envisioned isn’t the one you got.
- Try seeing things from an objective point of view. See the bird’s eye view. If the conversations you look at after you’ve had them, seem like red flags, they probably definitely, are. All you have to do is start seeing the signs of gaslighting to start finding the solution. The warning signs will be there. You just have to be ready to see them.
- Reach out to your friends or that one family member you trust most to be brutally honest.
- Step out of the darkness caused by the relationship that was supposed to be the light. Your own feelings may get hurt, but that’s better than your life being in the hands of someone who can’t even apologize straight and find ways to deflect responsibility.
9. You Have the Power to Find Your Reality
Through it all, it is imperative to remember that you’re the captain of your ship. Only you can decide the direction your ship takes. Of course, there may be storms you’ll have to weather but it’ll only be for a while.
In the movie Gaslight, the wife, Paula realizes that she was the victim and was being manipulated. In the end, she played the master move and pretended to be too mentally unstable (just as her husband wanted her to be) to understand any instructions her husband gave her to cut him loose.
The lesson is that it always comes down to you and the courage you have to fight for yourself.
The power that you can hold inside yourself is immense. And in some circumstances, that power can be stifled. No one chooses to be the victim. But you can get yourself out of the trenches by knowing your worth and knowing what you deserve out of your relationship. As William Congreve put it most accurately, hell hath no fury like a woman. It is true. Don’t be scared of unleashing that fury on people who could even dare to make you lose belief in yourself.
National Domestic Violence Hotline
If you or anyone you know may require assistance that this article is not equipped to provide, please contact the helpline numbers below.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline for the United States of America- 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
For other countries, please check out the List of Domestic Violence Hotlines.
Last Updated on by NamitaSoren