Wednesday, January 26, 2022

What Would I Do If I End Up With You?

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Where do I look for you if not in the sky?

Where do I look for you if not in the colors?

Where do I look for you if not in a smile?

Where do I look for you if not in my words?

If not here

then where can I find you?

What would I do if I end up with you?
Where do I look for you if not in the sky?

For all I think about is what would I do if I end up with you.

I had never thought that you’d become my muse. All my thoughts spring from you and run back to you. My art is a reflection of you. When I think about you, it’s like I can touch if I reach out. But you stand there, so still in a galaxy far far away.

Who knew you could miss someone’s presence, someone you haven’t met. I know you aren’t just a fiction of my imagination. You’re no prince charming, you are a human just like the rest of us. Rough around the edges, makes mistakes but learns from them, someone who has a beautiful soul, someone who loves unconditionally.

I can imagine what I would do if I end up with you, for I will know once I’m with you.

Before you, I was just a shell of a person. I was walking the surface of this planet with a broken heart and a bleeding soul. Emotions have always been a challenging aspect, but with you, it feels more relaxed. Maybe because I can feel for you, and these feelings don’t scare me anymore. They’ve become the source of my strength; I feel empowered again.

I haven’t in a long time. You help me reach out to myself, get along with myself as a person again. I had lost touch with my train of thought, but now I am back on the passenger seat, ready to retake control of life. Ready to experience every high and low, with you standing right beside me, holding my hand.

Before your knock on my door, some silences hurt, absences that scared. But I’m recovering now. I don’t have to be strong always; I can be vulnerable with you. A battle can be fought by oneself, but never won. You need a team, and I have found mine.

Life is unpredictable, highs and lows, are all a part of it. You can neither do with them nor without them. The journey makes you stronger, but it also takes away parts of you as reminders and sacrifices. It’s the battle of head and heart to keep you safe.

Late-night when I can’t sleep, your thoughts keep me company. Why do I have to live in the sleepless nights when I can embrace the dreams of having you. I sometimes think that I would do it if I end up with you.

It’s funny how people can wrap their minds around things and turn them into their version of reality. I want to do that with you. All those days when my heart yearned for you, and I felt incomplete, I never wish to go back.

I want to create a world with you, and call it my happy place. For it seems like my heart is headed for a disaster, the one I want to embrace happily because that means that I get to embrace the strong arms of you.

I think about you more than I intend to. You have taken over my head, and however hard I try to deny, you’re headed straight for the heart. What do we call this? These emotions and these feelings? They make me feel overwhelmed in the best way.

I light up when I see the notification, and your name flashes on my screen. I blush every time you tell me how beautiful I am. My heart beats faster when it stares into your eyes, for in that silence, I have heard what you couldn’t say.

Eyes do speak the language of the soul. The connection, the chemistry, heck the physics between us is magical (I always had my issues with physics, that subject is just pure evil, after mathematics). All of this is so unlike me.

You can sense me, my nervousness, my anxiety, my insecurities, and you make conversations that make them all go away. You make me believe in myself.

When you tell me that you want to hold me tight and kiss me, I wonder what would I do if I end up with you.

I never want to lose what I feel for you, for these feelings are hard to come by. Not everyone is lucky to experience them. And when I hear everyone say that you have to be hurt to feel love, I want to tell them it’s not true as love has brought me the strength and courage not to be hurt anymore. To get up and heal. To not be just a broken heart.

It is a battle between the head and the heart because, at the end, when my heart breaks, I will blame my head for not thinking better. But why is it that my head and heart work it out whenever it is about you.

Why is it that your name always works like magic. I can never figure it out. It looks like I owe the Weasley twins 10 Galleons because the Love Potion worked. And no, this one wasn’t a spell cast by a wand, it was the eyes. And the smile.

What would I do if I end up with you?
It was the eyes. and a smile.

You have been super sneaky, you got in my head and on my mind, and I never realized. It hit me when I wrote to you the first time. It felt like moonlight on a flowing river; I felt drawn towards the melancholic beauty of it all. The calmness that I felt, I want to feel it forever.

I felt like everything in the universe was right at that very moment. I know I cannot go back in time, but I will be replaying that moment in my head over and over again.

I don’t know what I would do if I end up with you, but trust me, for I will see once we take a walk under the moonlit sky. Why does it matter what I would do when I have you beside me because if we end up on a roadblock with two roads that diverged into the unknown, I will choose to walk the one where I get to do it with you.

It doesn’t matter whatever my options are, because what matters is sharing this journey with you. And when I have you right beside me, everything will fall into place, if not now, then eventually.

So, when I wonder what would I do if I end up with you, I think of you, and I think of me, I think of us.

What would I do if I end up with you?
I think of you, and I think of me, I think of us.

I think of your arms around me, of messing up your hair to tease you, of holding your hands as we take a walk, of slow dancing in the dark, of holding on to your t-shirts and hoodies as if they are my shield so I can hide away in them, and of being your little spoon.

The whispers we exchange and the air we share between us are drunk on our energies. The possibilities between us are endless. The idea of us excites me, comforts me, scares me, but makes me feel a certain kind of happiness I never knew I could feel.

My body tingles at the thought of you, your touch, your thought. I love how my hugs are always there, waiting for me to celebrate the smallest of victories and drown the biggest of failures.

You make me want to think of what I’d do if I end up with you.

I’d write you love letters, every day.

I’d sing the wrong lyrics to all the songs with you at the top of my voice.

I’d run around chasing you like we did when we were kids, carefree.

I’d dance with you till I’m weak in the knees.

I’d sit in silences with you as we work on our respective laptops, our legs intertwined with each other.

I’d read old books with you, debate you on historical and political references and make you buy us dinner after I beat you.

I’d share my coffee with you, and the conversations that come along with it.

I’d get drunk with you and then go around painting the town red.

I’d make mistakes with you.

I’d want to fight my battles with you and stand right next to you when you fight yours.

I’d want to learn how to adult with you because no one knows how to. You learn as you go.

I’d want to go on road trips with you, follow the stories of places we’ve never seen before as we are writing the story of us.

I’d listen to Kishore Kumar and Elvis Presley with you and rest my head on your shoulder when they sing about love and life.

I’d get sick with you to take care of me, stay right next to me until I feel better.

I’d share my food with you after I beat you in MarioKart.

I’d watch movies with you, every Saturday night and Football or Cricket match every Sunday night.

I’d fight over the last slice of pizza with you.

I’d wear your jersey and cheer you in every match you play (and boo you if you lose because it’s a kind of fun) with your team.

I’d make a cute face whenever I make a mistake, so you melt and are not angry with me.

I’d take you out for shopping and spa-days and pamper you because you deserve it.

I’d listen to you when you talk.

I’d understand your point of view.

I’d call you out if you did something wrong.

I’d talk to you if something is bothering me.

I’d be there when you’d need me.

I’d kiss you on the forehead every night before we go to bed.

I’d trust you when you tell me something.

I’d cry with you.

I’d laugh with you.

I’d be sad with you.

I’d want to grow old with you.

Not just living, I think of something more when I think about what I’d do if I end up with you.

It’s just me and you. It’s the idea of us.

You were an idea,

before you became a dream.

I struggled to find you,

and now you’re my reality.

But did it turn out the way it was supposed to,

I wonder when I think about what I’d do if I end up with you.

What would I do if I end up with you?
I’d want to grow old with you.

Love can hurt, but I don’t want to think about heartbreak. It doesn’t sound logical, but emotions are never meant to be calculated decisions. They are taken in the rush of dopamine, and the feeling of euphoria while adrenaline and norepinephrine make the heart pitter-patter and, restless.

My heart has been broken before. And it was scared for a long time after that because it was in pieces. But with you, it has been braver than ever to take the plunge. It has learned to beat for you.

The constant fight in my head and heart over you, you’re so unaware of it as you drift off into sleep again while I lie awake wondering what I’d do if I end up with you but also trying to prepare myself if I don’t.

You are my new secret, and I want to keep you hidden away from everyone for as long as I can, for you’re just mine to know and keep.

It seems like my heart is headed for a disaster. And I’m ready to take a jump right into it because I don’t know what else would I do if I end up with you.

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