“You should never have to look for evidence that someone loves you. True love is crystal clear.” – Mandy Hale
Love is indeed a complicated feeling. But aren’t we human beings equally complex? We often doubt the presence of true love as we see it as a phenomenon that only exists in imagination or movies.
The doubt often creeps in the form of insecurity, and the seemingly minor issues make the beautiful relationships bitter. Before going deeper into how to stop being insecure in a relationship, it’ll be better to keep the key thing in mind; the root cause of this insecurity in a relationship.
The problem starts when you shift the burden of ‘your expectations’ onto the other person. You forget that you, too, are equally responsible for the relationship. And when the person disappoints, you start doubting your relationships.
Relationships are never meant to burden someone with your feelings or expectations. Instead, they are the essence of creating something beautiful, sharing joy, and seeing the other person living their best life at no cost to your satisfaction or well-being.
There is a difference between living with them and living for them. The latter will eventually cost you heavily, but the former is what you call true love, which certainly takes time and effort to form.
1. How Important Relationships are for You as per Research
A meta-analysis showed that your relationships could save your life and increase your living days on earth by 50%. Your social connections affect the quality of your life in terms of physical and mental health, like controlling your hunger or even hormones.
Research also shows less risk of heart disease in people with healthy and secure relationships. This is not the only factor, though, but relationships can be your savior in case of long-term illnesses.
It’s true otherwise that troubles in your relationship can go a long way to the extent of making you prone to diseases. Despite that, around 30% of couples in the US go through major conflicts in their relationship, per an analysis in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology.
The problems like insecurity can seem to look relatively harmful, especially for budding relationships but can bring havoc if it continues to rule the happily ever after relationships.
Relationship insecurity is real; instead of beating yourself up for the insecure feelings, you should try to address them. Awareness of these patterns is essential to survive relationship tests. So, how do these insecurities act?
2. What does Your Relationship Insecurity Look Like?
Insecurity, be it in relationships or otherwise, tend to be deep within, and has more to do with oneself. It can result from your past, life happenings, or just yourself.
Self plays a key role in how your relationships turn out. That’s because your ‘self’ affects you and your partner in a relationship. Or their self or personality will sway yours. So, these two selves need to be compatible.
- Insecurity related to your past.
- Insecurity related to yourself (looks, status, work, sex life, etc.).
- Insecurity related to your partner.
It’d be easier to touch those sore spots to get the job of knowing insecurity easier. So, start with the following questions –
1. Do you feel you don’t have the striking beauty to let your partner be on your side forever?
2. Do you always try to look and be better?
3. Are you extra cautious about the way you do things?
4. Do you consider your value in providing ‘certain things’ like money or performing in bed?
5. Do you think you’ll only be loved by your partner when you do or constantly need to do something extraordinary?
6. Do you fear your partner might leave you if you do something they don’t like?
7. Do you feel that you’re the only one trying to keep the relationship going, and the moment you stop doing all those things, your relationship will be doomed?
If the answers were mostly ‘yes,’ you might be an insecure person or insecure in a relationship.
2.1. Other Thoughts You might have When You Feel Insecure –
- You think you’re highly ambitious or modest.
- You feel there’s no place for you in the other person’s life.
- Your world is limited to just one person.
- You spend most of your time trying to fix your relationship.
- You always look for ways to change yourself and never expect the other person to change too.
3. Causes of Insecurity in a Relationship
You have just entered a new relationship and exchanged love gestures. You’re trying to make every effort to make this relationship successful as you think you have found the person you were looking for. But you start getting those not-so-good vibes and doubt everything.
These feelings can leave the person questioning their relationship’s worth and stop them from forming healthy bonds. It gets worse with no communication. Where does this result from?
3.1. You Don’t Feel Enough Love for Yourself
Your capability to love others depends on how much you love yourself. As is beautifully described by Brene Brown,
“We can only love others as much as we love ourselves.”
If you feel insecure about the other person, it might mostly be about your self-image. You think your partner doesn’t like you only because you have all these feelings in your mind.
Change your thoughts and beat low self-confidence to feel secure. Don’t feel sad but try building a healthy relationship with yourself, and you’ll see the same reflection in your partner’s behavior.
3.2. Your Haunting Past
Your childhood attachment style follows you in your relationships. How you were in your previous relationships will probably impact the current relationship. It’s true with every relationship, be it romantic or otherwise.
If you had an anxious attachment style as a child, you’d feel extreme insecurity and are more likely to become codependent. If you had an avoidant style, you’d be more detached and even insecure, but you won’t show it to your partner.
Knowing your attachment style would help you deal with insecurity. Know your attachment style here.
3.3. Social Expectations
Our society has set norms regarding looks, behavior, careers, and even how one should go about their life journey. These limitations imposed by society have become ‘standard’ with years of practice, and the so-called civilized people condemn someone who differs in any area.
Both men and women are expected to follow the toxic patterns set by society. These behaviors stop their overall growth because they feel insecure when they don’t match the ‘perfect man’ or ‘perfect woman’ standard.
They start doubting their worth which ultimately affects their relationship too.
3.4. Poor Communication Skills
Insecurity and other misunderstandings happen in the absence of proper communication. If you expect your partner to read your mind, you won’t be able to live your relationship fully.
Relationships are all about sharing and caring, and communication is the way to go. When you choose the other way, you put your relationship at stake.
4. How to Stop Being Insecure in a Relationship?
To stop feeling insecure in your relationship, you’ll have to make efforts actively. You can’t assume that the other person would see through your deep-seated issues, which, ironically, even you’re unable to realize.
You both need to join hands to let your relationship survive any insecurity. It’ll strengthen the ties with your partner even more because they’ll appreciate your efforts to bettering the relationship instead of holding negative feelings in.
But, if you fear that the other person will pull away, you’ll have to think it over as that relationship isn’t going to get you anything in the future if that happens.
So, either way, you’re going to get better. Having this in mind, let’s consider how you can go about fighting and overcoming insecurity in your relationship.
4.1. Turn on Your Musing Mode
Everything starts with you, even improvement. Your relationship matters to you, but your partner’s actions or maybe your thinking is causing you to get into a default zone of insecure thoughts, which might be thoughtless. But you don’t know how to tackle them.
Before you jump on your partner, consider switching to another mode that only involves you. You don’t have to judge yourself or beat yourself up for the unrealistic or unhelpful thoughts you’re getting. It’s time to practice self-compassion for yourself.
Your mind might end up being filled with negative feelings about you that there’s a problem with you, but that may not be true. For example, your partner always used to check in on you by calling during work breaks but isn’t doing it now. You might fear you’re the reason for their detachment. So, it would help if you cut yourself some slack because they might be struggling with some other thing that has nothing to do with you.
In short, start with reflection and focus on forgiving yourself. You’re not a villain but a human being, and humans can easily experience insecurity.
4.2. Share it with Your Partner
You know your partner loves you, so you’ll first have to deal with your inner feelings. After realizing the insecure thoughts running through your mind are just thoughts, not reality.
There can be two situations: either you feel as though your partner’s behavior has changed, or their behavior has literally changed. Both cases lead to one problem: you’re not at ease within yourself and the relationship itself.
When facing insecurities, it’s easier to feel resentful towards the concerned person, so you might accuse the other person of doing you wrong. You tend to put them on the spot because you think it’s their fault. Thus, you project your insecurity on them due to the lack of soul-searching.
But when you understand the other side of the coin, you might realize insecurity can often be resolved. The only need is to communicate your feelings with your partner, not by blaming them but by showing that you want the situation to change.
If you choose to hold on to negativity, it certainly can ruin the beautiful bond you and your partner share.
In short, choose communication over silence and give it another go. Do not let your insecurities become a killjoy.
4.3. Start Loving Yourself
Your self-image is everything. Your beliefs about yourself, people, and life, in general, also play a part in your relationship. If you’re broken and enter a relationship thinking your better half would bring you happiness, you’ll have to face the letdown eventually.
Relationships have the power to mold a person a great deal; they can enhance your well-being. But is it realistic to solely depend on relationships for your well-being? The other person can’t always make you happy as there must be situations where they’ll have to deal with their issues.
You and your partner can always support each other in every way possible, but life isn’t always fair. Sometimes, you’ll have to disappoint your partner or face the same. So, it’s better to set boundaries on the expectations as early as possible.
First, you must understand that only you can fix yourself, not anyone else. Take responsibility for your emotions, start working on yourself, give yourself immense love, overcome self-doubt, and keep your self-esteem high to think you can be an amazing companion.
Relationship insecurities mostly start within oneself when we start thinking that we don’t deserve the love and care of our partner and aren’t a ‘perfect’ match for them.
The insecurity within you can impact your relationship in a way that you’ll start having thoughts about your partner cheating on you. But the real reason is, you know, lies within you that you’re lacking self-worth.
Your partner loves you the way you are. Even if you’re facing self-worth or similar issues, you can honestly discuss your feelings with your partner. They’ll surely be on your side if the problem is related to you.
In contrast, if your insecurity is real in the worst-case scenario, you’ll have an escape from a fake relationship. Please take it as a lesson and consider them the red flags for the future relationship.
In short, cultivate confidence and love yourself to the extent that you don’t have to ask for it from others and can even share the same positive supply of love.
4.4. Start Living Your Life
Does this sound basic to you? Are you sure? It would help if you answered the following questions before we get to that living one.
- Are you happy with your current state of mind?
- Do you feel at ease both physically and mentally?
- Are you living your best life?
- Do you wake up each day to have something to look forward to and go to bed grateful for what you have right now?
- Do you feel you deserve to be loved absolutely but aren’t receiving it?
- Do you compare your relationship with others?
- Do you wish something could change in your relationship or life?
So, if you answered NO for the first four and YES for the last three questions, you need to rethink living your life.
How can you be ‘living’ life if you’re not happy, fulfilled, and eager to expect the best of everything? You deserve the best, and chances are you might be letting those insecure thoughts revolve around your mind for no reason.
You’ll have to understand that just one person can’t form your world. It doesn’t do much except burden the other person with unrealistic expectations, which ultimately disappoint you when not fulfilled.
In short, enlarge your circle with friends and family members. Spend time with them too, to live your best life.
4.5. Seek Therapy
If insecurity is deep-rooted and the situation worsens, therapy can give relief and should be preferred.
Imago relationship therapy can solve your relationship differences and teach you to be a better listener and communicator for future issues. It does so by working on negative thoughts, limiting beliefs, and unresolved trauma that has affected your romantic relationships until now. It would be best to find a licensed therapist specializing in this therapy.
In short, don’t hesitate to seek professional medical advice if your relationship issues start affecting your mental health.
5. How to Deal with an Insecure Partner?
Insecurity can take a toll on healthy relationships, but you need to be aware that there will always be challenges testing the relationship. These challenges will eventually help you build a successful relationship with your partner if you survive all of them.
Insecurity is one of those challenges; you must look for signs of when, how, and why you feel insecure. Confrontation is necessary to weed out insecurities.
If you realize your partner is feeling insecure for any reason, it’s your responsibility to help them know that all your love and care is for them.
Try the following ways to help your partner feel secure –
- Listen to them when they share their feelings with you.
- If you notice changes in their behavior, talk to them by being physically present and ask them to open up but don’t force them.
- Instead, assure them that you’re with them and they can freely share whenever they want to.
- You can even comfort them by offering compliments and saying that you love them but don’t overdo it, as they’ll end up doubting whether they actually deserve that or not.
- Or choose to act as per their attachment style, i.e., show reassurance to anxious attachment style partners or give space to avoidant style partners.
6. How to Stop Being Insecure in a Relationship – Takeaway
An article in the American Psychological Association aptly presented the issue that should be at the heart of the public health system. When it’s evident that secure relationships can prevent health issues that eventually cost lives and even become a financial burden on the country’s system, they should also be given priority in the system.
The concerned authorities should find the best intervention measures and make the public aware of them, similar to the nutrition and exercise-related guidelines issued for the public interest.
This is all that authorities can do, but what you can do is more important than anything, as your relationship isn’t just your commitment but a bond you cherish and never want to lose. So, go all out to protect it from the shadow of insecurity.