Recent research revealed that a clingy person in a relationship is the biggest turn-off. Keeping this in mind, it is important to understand how not to be clingy. Before getting into how to not be clingy, we need to deal with topics like what it means to have clingy behavior and why people act that way, so let’s get into it!
1) What Does It Mean to Be Clingy?
Indulging in clingy behavior means staying highly dependent on your partner for emotional support and a sense of safety and security. A clingy person may feel desperate to spend time with their partner and, in this way, break healthy boundaries by not giving their partner space and not respecting their personal space.
Not every person will consider this behavior clingy, but sometimes, clingy behaviors can get overwhelming to bear. Here are a few examples of clingy behaviors. These are important to know before understanding how to not be clingy.
- Asking for constant reassurance
- Fearing being alone or worse, their partner wanting alone time
- Constantly feeling insecure
- Worrying about people’s views of themselves
- Thinking their friends are perfect
- Feeling jealous or insecure when their partner or friends hangs out with others
- Acting like a social chameleon
- Social media stalking
- Repetitive texting
- Demanding constant communication
- Constantly checking for texts
- Feeling nervous when someone doesn’t respond on social media.
After understanding what it means to be clingy, we move to the next part of discussing how not to be clingy – why people act clingy in the first place.
2) Why Do People Act Clingy?
Understanding why people get clingy will help determine ways how to not be clingy. The list of reasons for people’s clingy behavior is very long, but here are a few main points –
2.1) Generalized Anxiety
The type of anxiety that often runs in families or is hypervigilance created because of growing up in an unstable and volatile environment is the main cause of clingy behavior. Because you were brought up in a toxic family that was not nurturing for you, you always feel on edge and guard; essentially, you feel trapped as you always have to be aware of anything wrong going on around you because it may end up hurting you. When you grow up, you may find yourself in a safe environment, surrounded by people who love you, and in a healthy relationship with your partner, but overcoming this fear will still be difficult.
2.2) Anxious Attachment Style.
Attachment theory is another lens that helps us understand why people act clingy and for them to understand how to not be clingy. The first couple years of your life are critical in laying down the wiring of your brain and establishing your view of relationships, boundaries, and attachment bonds. You will develop a secure attachment style if you are provided with nurturing and care. If this care is inconsistent, your brain may become predisposed to anxiety, and this will lead to the formation of an anxious attachment style.
When you have an emotional attachment towards someone, and they seem to pull away, your instinct is to do whatever you can to prohibit them from leaving because you see them as the ‘cure’ for your problems and loneliness.
2.3) Past Experience with Former Partners
Your former partners and the way they treated you play a big role in determining how you view relationships and how you navigate through them; if your former partners ghosted you and treated you poorly, you will constantly be afraid of history repeating itself and will try to hold on even more to your current partner’s life and your partner’s company; this, however, is not the right way to behave because by doing this, you are interfering with your partner’s boundaries and making them feel trapped in the relationship.
2.4) Low Self Esteem
If you are a person who struggles with self-esteem issues and believes yourself to have low self-confidence, you may often face self-doubt and feelings of unworthiness. If you believe that you don’t deserve a romantic partner who treats you well and genuinely cares about your well-being, you will surely feel insecure and look for ways to prove yourself right
2.5) Suspected Infidelity
Clingy behavior can stem from suspected infidelity. You will become clingy if you think your partner is cheating on you or will cheat on you. By being clingy in this situation, you may try stalking your partner’s social media, try invading your partner’s phone, and ignoring your partner feeling uneasy because of these things. If you feel that your partner is cheating, it may be because your former partners cheated or you believe that your partner doesn’t want only one partner in their life; the best thing to do if you suspect infidelity is just to ask your partner. If they cheat on you, should you even want to continue being in a romantic relationship with them?
Also, if you are very suspicious about your partner, here’s an article to help you out: Signs Of A Cheating Partner.
2.6) Different Expectations from A Romantic Relationship
The way partners in romantic relationships define terms like ‘clingy’ is very subjective because of their own individual experiences. What feels like clingy behaviors to them may seem like harmless affection to you, and you may think that being clingy to a certain degree is desirable, and you may want the same from your partner in your own relationship. But, on the other hand, for your partner, being clingy may be suffocating, and they may not like too much closeness and want some breathing room.
Try discussing these things beforehand to prevent this, especially in a new relationship. Try understanding the kind of relationship your partner prefers and be assertive about the kind that you prefer; after this, try finding common ground in a way that your behavior moves from being clingy to just a way to communicate affection.
Knowing now the answer to why people act clingy, we can discuss how to avoid being clingy.
3) How To Not Be Clingy
After learning a bit about clingy behaviors and why a clingy person could be indulging in them, we can now talk about the important topic of how to not be clingy. How to not be clingy is an important question and topic to educate yourself about so that you can make your relationship healthy and also learn to practice self-love.
3.1) Accept that There May Be a Problem
A focal point about making changes is accepting that there’s a need to do so and realizing that changing your clingy behavior will help improve your well-being and make your relationship healthy. Suppose you find yourself participating in controlling behaviors like asking for passwords of your partner’s social media accounts, listening in on their personal calls, and not providing them with even a little breathing room. In that case, you are acting clingy in a relationship, which will lead to trust issues and problems.
Accepting your clingy tendencies frees you to take the steps necessary to change your clingy behavior. Because the word ‘clingy’ has negative connotations, being termed a clingy person may lead to a negative self-image. So, the sooner you accept a problem, the sooner you can learn how not to be clingy. Check-in with yourself to understand if you fit the category of being clingy; after introspection, if your clingy behavior seems persistent and threatening towards your relationship, you should start working on a healthy relationship, which can lead to the formation of a healthy self-image.
3.2) Try to Uncover the Root Cause of Your Behavior
Insecure clinginess can result in toxic cycles of neediness; you feel afraid of judgment, so you reach out for support and validation, but the people you seek support from pull away from you, and you end up in a downward spiral. One way to break this cycle is to rely on yourself rather than others.
If you want to get to the bottom of your clinginess, start journaling, and if you feel like this isn’t working out, you may want to see a relationship coach.
Another aspect here is understanding your attachment style. If you have a secure attachment style, you will feel secure in your adult relationships and less prone to clingy behavior. If you have an avoidant attachment style, you may tend to attract clingy people because of how dismissive you can be of relationships. An ambivalent attachment style will make you anxious about people’s judgments of you, leading to needy behavior. Finally, disorganized people may be fearful of intimacy and relationships and be most in need of a relationship coach. Ambivalent and disorganized attachment styles are more likely to feel needy in their friendships.
This information can help you analyze the cause behind your clingy behaviors and work accordingly. Try tapping into your existing support system and use spirituality to practice detachment from controlling others.
3.3) Let Your Partner Know About It
Talking to your partner about how and why you feel clingy is a very important step in learning how to not be clingy. After providing them with an explanation, speaking to your partner about how your actions make them feel can put things into perspective. It can help you understand the changes that need to be made for you to have healthy relationships with each other and others in your lives.
Discussing clingy behaviors that set them off most can be eye-opening. You then devise a healthy idea to communicate affection without completely invading your partner’s life, even when they ask for alone time.
While discussing this, it might feel upsetting that what efforts you put into the relationship to get closer to your partner are backfiring; in times like these, it helps to focus on the fact that your relationship can be salvaged with the right changes and it isn’t too late to make them.
3.4) Put Down the Phone
Is my partner texting me every two minutes? Does my partner step away to take personal calls? Does my partner reply on their social media accounts after a long period? – these questions make you think in a more clingy manner. You may just miss your partner’s company, but these still come off as clingy behaviors. Rather than allowing your partner to enjoy their alone time, you are bombarding them with texts, personal calls, and maybe even landline calls, which can be very annoying.
If you find yourself doing this a lot, consider alternatives like calling a friend or finding another outlet to vent off whatever you’re feeling, like pursuing your interests, taking a walk, or taking a few deep breaths.
3.5) Try to Focus on Your Passions and Hobbies
Essentially, take some time to rediscover yourself. What are things you like to do? What are some hobbies you left midway? Give them a shot.
When you feel the urge to reach out to your partner, use that trigger as a reminder to focus on a thing that benefits you directly, like reading, drawing, or anything which adds value to your life. This doesn’t mean that learning how to not be clingy means keeping away from your partner; it just means keeping your correspondence and hangouts to a time and frequency both of you agree is more suitable can help to strengthen your relationship and help you focus on your own life, too.
3.6) Build Your Self Esteem
Clingy people often struggle with feeling inadequate and have ongoing battles with low self-confidence. When others show them caring, they feel like that is something they need more, so they indulge in needy behavior to elicit it again. Research has also shown that people with low self-esteem are more prone to acting out clingy behaviors.
In many cases, being needy originates from a wrong belief that you always need to have people around you. This is an incorrect idea to pursue. You need to recognize and appreciate the value of your own life. You need to celebrate your achievements and appreciate your alone time rather than dread it. Learn to become your best friend and support system; learn to be your own person, and you will feel less mortified of your partner asking for their personal space, and as a matter of fact, you’ll learn to ask for yours, too.
If you work toward improving your self-confidence and self-esteem, you’ll realize you can flourish and succeed, whether in a relationship or on your own. One way to get you started is self-affirmations – list out your positive traits and think about how they make you a better person, and repeat this daily.
3.7) Get Help for Anxiety from A Mental Health Professional
Clinginess often has its roots in abandonment issues. Trying to overcome these on your own with the help of focusing on your own hobbies, building your self-esteem, and practicing self-love is very important and helpful. Still, you sometimes need external help to reach you there, which is okay.
A mental health professional can help you understand the reasons for your neediness and tips for personal growth, and how to avoid being clingy. This can benefit your relationship with not just one person but everybody else in your life.
Referring to a relationship coach can also help you learn vital skills for relating to your partner and overcoming your trust issues so that you can have a balanced relationship.
3.8) Spend Time with Your Friends and Be More Involved as A Family Member
Spending time with people who lift you up is a great way to practice self-love and boost your self-confidence. Surround yourself with people who you are comfortable being around and who love you unconditionally. This is a great distraction from any anxious thoughts about your partner and a way to build a satisfying relationship with the people you love.
Spend time only with the people who leave you feeling accepted and loved; even if your mom is the only person who makes you feel this way, it is okay if she is the one you spend the most time with. While you spend time with these people, don’t attend to personal calls and make the best of your body language to help them know that you love to spend time with them. Appreciate them for being there for you and caring for your well-being.
How To Not Be Clingy: Takeaways
Everyone is wired to crave love and affection in a long-term relationship, but it is important not to cross the fine line between love and obsession. Clinginess isn’t something to be ashamed of; it is a common phenomenon among people with an insecure attachment style. Fortunately, you can learn how to avoid clingy by practicing a few habits.
Ask people if they feel you are being too needy, examine your insecurities, work on your self-esteem, replace clinginess with productive activities, learn more about your attachment style, establish and respect boundaries and avoid putting your friends on a pedestal – these are just a few things that can help you learn how to not be clingy.
Clinginess is a no-win situation; nobody benefits from it; the people receiving it get annoyed, and the clingy person gets more anxious when they aren’t communicated affection. Learning how to not be clingy can help deal with a negative self-image and help improve relationships. So, the next time you feel like you’re acting clingy or someone tells you to stop being clingy; you have tips handy to help you deal with it.
Last Updated on by Himani Rawat